As Seen on TV Light

An old man lives in a bad neighborhood. His wife died and his kids left, and he’s retired. One day, he decides to go to the mountains for a week. He packs his bags and leaves the next morning. While he was gone, a burglar broke into his house. The burglar came in at night with a flashlight, some tools, and a sack to put the loot into.

While he’s shuffling around, flashlight in hand, he hears a quick rustling noise coming from the corner of the room. He quickly turns to see what it is, and sees a parrot sitting in his cage, staring at him right in the face. He ignores it and continues looting. The parrot says:

"Jesus is watching…"

The burglar, somewhat disturbed, stops for a second, and continues looting.

"Jesus is watching…"

He tries as hard as he can to ignore the parrot, and continues looting.

"Jesus is watching…" the parrot says sternly.

Now, being unable to ignore the parrot any longer, the burglar turns and says:

"Whatever. You’re just a parrot. You can’t talk. You’re just repeating something somebody said."

"Bullsh!t, I can talk."

"Oh yeah? What’s your name?"

"Henry."

"Henry? That’s stupid. What kind of moron names a parrot Henry?"

"The same kind of moron that names a doberman Jesus."

It’s 1954 in Poland. A man goes into confession at church one day. He goes into the booth and tells the priest:

"Bless me father, for I have sinned."

"What plagues you today?"

"I have something to tell you. Something I’ve never told anyone before, and I think it’s time I did. During the war, I harbored a young jewish woman. I offered her shelter from the Nazis, and in exchange, she would grant me sexual favors everyday I hid her."

"Well son, it’s in the past now. I’m sure you learned your lesson about being chaste and benevolent."

"Well, there’s just one thing…"

"What’s that?"

"I haven’t told her the war’s over yet."

Three guys were all siting around talking about their wives. There was a black guy, an asian guy, and a white guy. The black guy says:

"Man, my wife’s dumb. Last week, she bought twenty boxes of TV dinners, and we don’t even have a microwave!"

The asian guy says:

"Oh, that’s nothing. Last week, my wife went out and bought an ivory-keyed piano for herself, and she doesn’t even know how to play the piano!"

The white guy says:

"That’s nothing. Last week, my wife went on vacation to Greece, and she packed three boxes of condoms,and she doesn’t even have a d!ck!"

Technorati Tags: bad neighborhood, burglar, confession, doberman, flashlight, jesus, jewish woman, loot, man lives, mountains, nazis, next morning, old man, poland, quot quot

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